Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

The only equipped I am is ill.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.