scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*