Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually