scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
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Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
good news everyone
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.