scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up