Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

My background check bounced.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Did a trash talking tree write this?

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter