Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.