COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
It’s a gift
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Thank you corporation very cool
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait