#SCOTUS one-star review
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
how was your vacation