[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
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What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*