Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1645435519072088064/vid/1920x1080/U4aa3GqqMeuzXOOG.mp4?tag=16

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

I hope it’s French Onion!

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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