scrabbled eggs
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Rt to bother an English speaker
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
ready to be harvested
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.