scrabbled eggs
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.