[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work