In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
ME: Please let me go
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.