Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.