Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.