Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Put my back out twerking in the library again

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!