*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
You Might Also Like
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Favourite diary entry ever
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together