Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over