Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Before crowbars crows drank alone

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Watson was Holmes schooled