Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.