*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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absolute chaos
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.