*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Twitter fine art
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Great Canadian literature.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.