Scream sneezers need love too.
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
next level snooze
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
That’s easy for you to say
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
