Scream sneezers need love too.
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog