Scream sneezers need love too.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”