Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”