Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

opening a flower shop called women in stem

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to