Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Can Happiness buy money?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Do not levitate over flowers
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”