@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

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@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@coolauntV

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

@squirrel74wkgn

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@JB4Realz

“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”

*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*

@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea