@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

You Might Also Like

@thomastf04

British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@Hellaphantitis

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

@TheRealRHB

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@justabloodygame

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.

@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!