I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Batman v Dracula
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?