British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!