Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”
*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*
I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD