Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.