*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
you’re so productive for your wage
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
How does someone manage that 🤨
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”