Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

The prophecy is fulfilled

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

🥲

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

😊🦆

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”