*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
You Might Also Like
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
This week’s mood.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.