Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood