Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

notice

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon