Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable