[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is