screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER