screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Does beer think about me too?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Somedays I just love AI so much
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?