Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.


WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?


[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
and I invented oatmeal


POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]


My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.


Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run


Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.