Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.