@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

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@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@thedad

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

@DanMentos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@jonnysun

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

@MaryJustice86

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@pdxjohnny99

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

@ColoChiver

Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.