@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

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@batkaren

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@mollzbenn

I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.

@heatherlou_

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@GrantTanaka

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

@Shen_the_Bird

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

@mattZillaaaa

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door