Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi