Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.