Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

This was my dad’s browser history.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.