Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
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My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
shazam but for random noises outside
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”