Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

🤣

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

next question.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.