Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Greeting humans vs their dogs