[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song