Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”