screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Oops 🤭
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting