Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

🤯🤯🤯

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Cannot stop laughing at this

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him