screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings