Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I think we should hear other voices.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.