Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.