Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.