*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
How it started How it’s going
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that