*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
You Might Also Like
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”