*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
You Might Also Like
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
canadian assassins are called killergrams
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.