[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea