[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
