Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

I don’t get marriage

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out