Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
This was a bad idea all around
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I feel seen
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.