Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Guilty! 🤪

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.