Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
WWE is French for “yes”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.