Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me