screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
You Might Also Like
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Pro tip for my good boys out there
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.