screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.