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found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.