Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Sunday

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.