Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Challenge accepted.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

the dark web is just a goth google.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

knights of the ikea table

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex