Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

This is what makes twitter great

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day