Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
The point of your 20s
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”