screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by